The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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