i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
