She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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