I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
