Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
