Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
