Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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