Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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