Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
