I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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