Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
