Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
