My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
