I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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