Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
