He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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