just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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