I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
