see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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