you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i believe in u and ur pee
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