I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
