guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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