life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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