if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
