Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
