The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
