You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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