if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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