so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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