Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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