he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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