How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
