im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
