I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
