There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
