Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
