when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
