he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
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All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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