shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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