I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
