Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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