I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
