I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
