This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
