found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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