I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My ass is underappreciated
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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