Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
