my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
