Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
