You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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