we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
