During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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