Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
