I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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