Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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