I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
