you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
