So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
