I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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