Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
