My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
