I will die if light touches me.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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